Thursday, April 30, 2009

Quit You

It's really hard to know when to give up on something. It's harder, even, to know that something or someone is not for you. Really, when do you draw the line? How do you know when to actually stop? It's difficult. There's no visible, tangible sign to let us know that it is time to quit. Everyone can say, "hey missy, clearly this one is not for you" but, really, if that's not the thought you have in your head, all words won't matter. Quitting, I guess, is one of the most difficult thing in the world. We quit on bad things usually - things that kill us. But things get a bit more complicated when you quit on relationships, on people, on dreams. We often don't have the capacity to know when someone is bad for us. A lot of times we keep on working towards a goal that is not, in a sense, ours. And when other people starts making you realize these mistakes, we often ignore them thinking that we know better. But really we don't. Often times we are blinded by our own emotions that we don't see how things bad are. And that really, it is time to move on and quit. We often stay and stick with what we are used to because they are familiar and comfortable. Even if they are wrong, even if change should be the way to go, we stay because losing something and risking something are two things we always try to avoid. Quitting, in this case,is risking. It's a gamble.

Things are complicated. I've seen people stay in relationships that are toxic to them and I've seen people chase dreams that are clearly not for them. It's hard to watch someone you care about ruin their life right in front of you and not do anything about it. But really, what can we do? It will always come to a point where it would be tiring to care for people who won't listen and just continues on with whatever shit they are dealing with. We can only go so far. I wasn't surprised about what this person did but still it's hard not to be angry and disappointed. It's impossible not to be affected in a way. I took good care of that relationship, friends and more-than-friends, and even after I decided to end the more-than-friends part, I took it upon myself not to let our friends be affected by the decision I made. But my efforts are obviously futile. All went down to the drain. But I don't want to be wrapped up anymore in frustration and disappointing shit that I get with what is currently happening. It's too exhausting. And admittedly, I am this close to indifference.

Soon enough I'll be quitting again. This time as a friend.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you...

If ever I do get married, I want something like Judy Ann and Ryan's.
Soooo beautiful and simple.The ideas are unique and creative too.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Happy, Happy

Masaya ang araw na 'to. Ewan ko. Haha. This day just doesn't feel typical.

Flight kanina ni Coach papuntang Pinas. Mamimiss ko yung lokong yon kahit papano. Wag na lang sana makarating sa kanya. HAHAHAHA. Pero sandali lang naman syang mawawala at tuloy pa rin naman ang communication so ayos na rin. Pagkahatid sa kanya ni Daph, nagbreakfast kami! Lakad kami sa The Forks. We joked about "visiting" HIM. Haha! After eating, binisita namin si Keith sa hotel where he works. Nagikot-ikot kami sa hotel. Hehe. Feeling tourist.

Pagkauwi ko, dumating naman sila Mama with Ate Loralyn. She just arrived this weekend so we showed her around.

While walking around the mall, I saw HIM. :) My heart skipped a beat. HAHAHA. Cheesed!!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Done, done, done!

Winter term is officially over. Oh yeah!

Talked to my cognitive psyc prof after the exam about summer opportunities in the department. He doesn't have any research/experiment planned so he will talk to other professors and email me about it. Gaaaadddd...I really want that. CONQUER THE PSYCHOLOGY DEPARTMENT. Hahahaha!

Also, I submitted an online application to HSC's volunteer dept a few days ago. They want me to have my blood tested first before they schedule me for interview. That's because I've never had chicken pox. Was supposed to do it this morning but I got lazy when I looked outside. I hate it when it's cloudy out. It's +12 but still, I don't want clouds in my morning sky. Haha!

So those are the two major things I wanna do this summer aside from completing 3 electives and 1 major: Lab work and volunteering

I don't really care anymore if I'm .05 short this term for The List. I was so concerned days before my exam but now..... :) I don't care. I'm all too happy. Grabe. Can't wipe the smile off my face. Adik. Haha!

It's funny how nature balances things. Too funny.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

...and they were all YELLOW

Masayang araw. :)
Sana matapos na ang exam period at mag-umpisa na ang summer classes.

I miss days like this.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Let's Kill Time. Yes, You and Me.

So I stayed at home the whole day. I'm so not used to being just here. Gaaaadddd...malapit na kong mabaliw so I went out, grabbed a venti, and went back home. (YES, Lem, we both failed today. We are hopeless.)

IT'S SOOO NICE OUTSIDE! +16 and sunny!

Sobrang bored na ko. I tried to study but it's not working. My brain is not conditioned to study until exam day is at least 3 days away. My exam is not until the 22nd. Soooo yeah...

I'm anxious the whole day. Agitated din. I want something but I can't figure out what it is. Haha! Labo. I'm crazyyy. This is the effect being imprisoned here in my room. LOL. I can't even eat 'cause I don't know what I want to eat. When Mr. Barista asked me what I want, I automatically said "Mocha Light". Ah whatever. Feeling ko hormones to. LOL.

For the past few days, I've been making the effort to talk to people whom I haven't talked to in a while. You know, I suck at keeping in touch. I admit that. Ewan ko. It's bad but ganon talaga ako. Haha. Importance and Time is not positively correlated in my world. Walang relationship between those variables. Hahaha. So ayon, bawi time for me. Bumawi ako sa lahat ng oras na hindi ko nabigay dun sa mga taong sobrang importante sa akin. At sobrang saya na after how many years, I heard Kat's (my bestfriend for 15 years na and counting!) voice again. She called me last night! Sobrang saya and sobra ding nakakamiss. I miss her and Bey (bestfriend namin for 12 years na)!!! Ivan messaged me too at, grabe, namiss ko yung lokong yon. Parang wala pa ring nagbago. If I only I can go home now... When Zy told me that she, Kat, Djonder, Donnie, and JV went out just last week, I'm sooo jealous. God, I miss those people. At dahil jan, I'm using Friendster again even though I hate it and I don't know how it works now. Haha. Not everyone is on Facebook so I have no choice. I created a new account so I had to add everyone up. Hassle pero ayos na rin.

Anyway, so the other day, I looked at interesting organizations where I can volunteer. Nakapili na ko and I'm printing the application later, gonna fill it out and mail it tomorrow para wala nang bawian! Haha!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


I've been looking and looking. Asking myself where did I lose myself. I don't know. Suddenly I felt that I got lost in the middle of this, erm, commotion. Let's just call it that. When, where, or how exactly...I don't know. What I see now is that the things I did before seems irrelevant to my current life. Everything seems too far and foreign. I like how things are now but life then was somewhat leading to the ideal life that I've always wanted. Right now, I'm sitting here, typing these words with nothing really important to do. And it kind of sucks.

Importance. I guess that's it. I can't see the worth of the things I'm doing right now. I've always wanted to get involved in things that are larger than life, things that are important not just to me but to a lot of people. That's what I love doing. Now, I'm not doing anything for anyone. I'm too absorbed by own troubles and I hate it. It feels like I'm losing my place in the world. It's weird, I guess. But whenever I focus on myself, suddenly the sense of living becomes blurred. It feels wrong and uncomfortable. I always feel that there is something to do, something more important that I should do with my time. My little troubles are nothing, just a speck of dust, compared to these bigger things. And I feel guilty.

Maybe I just want too much.
Maybe I'm just pressuring myself.

I know that I'm just me and I have a life to deal with but I can't shake off the horrible feeling of letting time pass without doing something.

Sooooo...since I like pressuring myself today, I visited this:

December 2010 - I will probably write the LSAT, that is, if everything goes well.
It's so nice to know that they will be taking 30 of the worst credits if you have more than 114 credits. Umm...this includes U1, right? So I have...what? 120. They will take 10 courses out. Awesome!!! I wish they also do this in Arts. Haha.

Grades are making me crazy. I won't deny that I am grade conscious now. I want something on my diploma. That's all!!! But it's so hard to pull my GPA up. Since they are only counting my last two years, I still need a "0.2" or maybe less but still it's soooo difficult to get. God, I need to learn how to balance life. Badly. I pray that I won't get lazy this summer and that I work hard to get the grades that I should get 'cause I need them. I NEED THEM SO BAD. Or maybe I WANT them. Yes, I want them.

Ohmygod, I'm in a withdrawal period. This is what happens when you are juggling tons of acads stuff and then suddenly you have nothing to do (I actually still have one exam left but it's not until the 22nd. I have plenty of time!). Meh. Bad. But writing, er, typing this made me feel better. Angst level: DOWN. Emotionality: CLOSE TO ZERO. Back to being a cyborg. LOL. This is how crazy I am emotionally. I will have 10 minutes of "low point" then I'll be back up there in Happy Land in a snap. Just give me one reason to be happy, no matter how shallow, then I'll be fine. Resilience, baby! Or maybe I'm just plain crazy. Hahaha!

Haha! I have to stop here now. I could go on and on and on.